The Very Best of Philosoraptor Read online

The Very Best of Philosoraptor

  The Pontificating Velociraptor of Our Time

  Steve Evans

  First published 2013 by Quikees

  Copyright 2013 Steve Evans

  All rights reserved. Apart from any fair dealing for the purposes of private study, research, criticism or review as permitted under the Copyright Act 1968, no part may be stored, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, without prior written permission from the publisher.

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  Philosoraptor

  Why do soft cookies get hard when they get stale and hard cookies get soft?

  If cigarette tax deters smoking, does income tax deter working?

  If I download illegally when in Jamaica, does that make me a Pirate of the Caribbean?

  The early bird might get the worm, but it is the second mouse that gets the cheese.

  If aliens want to study intelligent life then why are they abducting Americans?

  Are children small or just far away?

  Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

  Without engineers, science and mathematics is just philosophy.

  If a deaf person goes to court is it still a hearing?

  On a plane, which armrest is yours?

  If teachers know so much about what they teach, why are they teaching for a living?

  Who moderates the moderators?

  If shorts are called shorts, why aren't pants called longs?

  What programs did the first programmers use?

  What if the cat died because it was curious about death?

  If Hello Kitty is Japanese shouldn’t it be Hero Kitty?

  What if the “before and after” pictures have just been swapped around?

  If the diamond ring is the most common ring, wouldn’t that make it the least valuable?

  If nipples are for breast-feeding why do men have them?

  What if I told you the Alphabet Song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star had the same tune?

  If there is holy water, can you also get holy ice and holy steam?

  Do OCD sufferers hate their condition because the letters aren’t alphabetical?

  If I fall down an escalator will I fall forever?

  Do people with amnesia still have their lives flash before their eyes?

  Are there a lot of American bars in Ireland?

  If you die and are brought back to life do you now have a new birthday?

  If life is so short why is it the longest thing we do?

  If one person has an imaginary friend they’re crazy. If lots of people have the same imaginary friend it’s a religion.

  If Pinocchio said, "My nose is about to grow" what would happen?

  If a tree falls in the woods and no-one hears it, would a hipster buy the soundtrack?

  If you’re hotter than me, does that make me cooler than you?

  If a vegetarian eats vegetables, does a humanitarian eat humans?

  If you watch The Lion King in 3D, does the Circle of Life become the Sphere of Life?

  When people yawn do deaf people think they are screaming?

  If vegetarians love animals so much why are they eating all their food?

  Why is "front yard" two words and "backyard" one word?

  What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  If I hated hipsters before it was cool to hate hipsters, does that make me a hipster?

  If the tomato is a fruit does that make ketchup a jam?

  If a fortune-telling midget escaped from jail, would police be looking for a small medium at large?

  If money is the root of all evil why do churches ask you for it?

  Would it be ironic if someone died in the living room?

  If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?

  If you shouldn’t talk to strangers then how do you make friends?

  How can the world end in 2012 if I have yogurt that expires in 2013?

  Do transformers buy life or car insurance?

  If you have a summer camp to help kids with ADHD does that make it a concentration camp?

  If the number two pencil is the most popular pencil in the world, why isn’t it number 1?

  If women say, "All men are the same" why are they so picky?

  Why are thing sent by car called shipments and things sent by ships called cargo?

  If it's called Final Fantasy why are there fourteen of them?

  Why do they use a sterile needle for a lethal injection?

  When butterflies fall in love do they feel people in their stomachs?

  How many bears would Bear Grylls grill if Bear Grylls could grill bears?

  Why must you be 16 to join the actual Army but 18 to play a game about it?

  Why is "all together" written separately and "separately" is written all together?

  If you hate haters doesn’t that make you a hater?

  What if that wasn’t spam and you did have a Nigerian uncle you never knew about and he did leave you a fortune?

  If my goal is to have no goals do I still have a goal?

  Is it hypocritical to call someone judgmental?

  If you say something is indescribable haven’t you just described it?

  If there is a Zombie outbreak in Vegas, does it stay in Vegas?

  If Japanese pop is called Jpop does that make Chinese rap Crap?

  If God sneezed what would you say to him?

  If vegetable oil is made from vegetables and corn oil is made from corn, what is baby oil made from?

  If natural disasters are called "Acts of God" shouldn’t we send the bills for damages to churches?

  If Europe uses Euros shouldn’t Africa use Afros?

  What if I actually was the 1,000,000 visitor?

  If quizzes are quizzical then what are tests?

  If a red-headed man works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?

  If I keep switching my car insurance will I eventually end up paying nothing?

  Can deaf people hear in their dreams?

  If a child refuses to take a nap are they guilty of resisting a rest?

  Is a fly without wings called a walk?

  If there’s an Earthquake on Mars is it call a Marsquake?

  If 666 is evil is 25.80697580 the root of all evil?

  If guns kill people do pencils misspell words?

  If steroids are illegal for athletes shouldn’t Photoshop be illegal for models?

  If seagulls lived in a bay would they be call bagels?

  If heat rises why isn’t heaven hotter than hell?

  Is there a Braille sign that says "Do not touch"?

  What if the air is a poison that takes about 80 years to kill us?

  If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

  If Beyoncé is pregnant will it be Destiny’s Child?

  When the bus driver gets out of the bus, who closes the door?

  Can color-blind people play Twister?

  Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

  If a Cyclops blinks is it winking?

  When you listen to free music in the car it’s called a radio. When you listen to free music on the Internet it’s called piracy.

  If practice makes perfect but no one is perfect, why practice?

  Why do we wash our t
owels when we are clean when we use them?

  How do you know if a certificate of authenticity is authentic? Does it come with its own certificate of authenticity?

  If a piano player is called a pianist, does that make a racing car driver a racist?

  If a kid takes a nap isn’t it technically called a kidnapping?

  If a deaf kid swears, does his mum teach him a lesson by washing his hands with soap?

  If nobody is perfect and I’m nobody, does that make me perfect?

  If camera lenses are round why are photographs rectangular?

  Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

  If the world is getting smaller why do postal rates keep going up?

  What time is it at the North Pole?

  If your car could travel at the speed of light what would happen when you turned the headlights on?

  If you put Lil John and Lil Wayne together would you have a full size John Wayne?

  Instead of saying "Someone’s life has been saved" shouldn’t you say, "Someone’s death has been postponed".

  If I named my child "Nobody" would he be perfect?

  If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly then why did it fall off in the first place?

  When an alarm turns on why do we say it’s "gone off"?

  If it’s three times better than the leading brand, how come it’s not the leading brand?

  Are there any animals that are allergic to humans?

  If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

  Why is it the snorer that always falls asleep first?

  If you don’t pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?

  If a vampire bites a zombie will it turn into a zombie or will the zombie turn into a vampire?

  What if birds aren’t singing but they are screaming because they’re afraid of heights?

  If a robot does the robot is it still the robot or is it just dancing?

  Is there another word for synonym?

  If guidance counselors specialize in making good career decisions how come they became guidance counselors?

  Is it possible to have an awkward silence in sign language?

  If "What you see is what you get" why can’t you "Judge a book by its cover"?

  Just imagine if there were no hypothetical situations.

  Can the driver of a hearse use the carpool lane?

  Are the people that make table tops for kitchens counterproductive?

  What was the best thing before sliced bread?

  If a word in the dictionary is misspelled how do we know?

  Why is it called a boxing ring when its square?

  What was Captain Hook’s name before he had a hook?

  If a turtle loses its shell is it naked or homeless?

  If two blind people are dating are they seeing each other?

  If you have x-ray vision and you close your eyes, can you still see?

  If they made a movie about Morgan Freeman, who would narrate it?

  If revenge is "a dish bet served cold" and revenge is also sweet, is revenge actually ice cream?

  Shouldn’t hemorrhoids be called assteroids?

  Which came first, real planes or paper planes?

  If you swap the wires around on a lie detector machine will it know?

  Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers.

  If everyone swore all the time would we still have Tourette’s Syndrome?

  Do baby monitors work with adults?

  Why do clocks go clockwise?

  Whose idea was it to choose the order of the alphabet?

  What is the difference between slow down and slow up?

  Does the alphabet start with the letter "A" because the dictionary does?

  What do you do if an endangered animal only eats an endangered plant?

  Why doesn’t Tarzan have a really long beard?

  Today is the oldest you’ve ever been and the youngest you’ll ever be again.

  What would happen if you put a slinky on an escalator?

  Even if you choose not to decide now, haven’t you just made a choice?

  Is an argument between two vegetarians still called a beef?

  If you place a chameleon on a mirror what color does it turn?

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